What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 02.07.2025 00:22
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Who then, do I blame.?
Was to survive, this bastard.
Why would my husband cheat on me with an ugly fat woman?
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Especially a lifetime of it.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Do straight guys like to see cocks?
He knew the spot.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
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One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I was 9 years of age.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
When she asked me how she looked .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
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Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
It was going to be , some day.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So whats the point in blame.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Put me off passion for life!!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
My family never makes their pension either.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
She married twice! .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She found it foreign!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He resisted the act ,that day.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
So, i spoilt her more .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I could never make a relationship work though!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ive learnt so much.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was in good health!
My life is so biszare .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
I write beautiful poetry .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Would this be the day?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why did i forgive my father ?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
As i do to all so called friends.?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She wouldn,t have been !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
I said to her
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
We all went to grammer schools
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I couldn’t, believe it.
What did i know ?
Comes on , in middle age.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I never cut or harmed myself..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I think the readers, may guess!
I waited trembling.
I will be 64.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Im still living with it.
I was scared of men, in general
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
We were not on the streets..
I don,t even have a pension.
I have no regrets .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
But, we were locked up after school.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I was very sick at this time too.
One cannot live in the past .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But it wasn’t much.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.